Moan for me like Helen Keller
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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