she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
