I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
