I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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