One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
