Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize