Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
