I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
