Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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