I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
