I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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