Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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