hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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