yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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