I met the friendliest cop last night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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