So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
