Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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