I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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