Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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