No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
