Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think your dad took our porno
Is Oprah even human
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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