so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
