GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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