It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
