i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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