a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
