While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
