is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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