Do you still have your period?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
