I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
