Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
