Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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