'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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