I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
