She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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