well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
zippers are such a cool invention
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he fucked my hip out of place.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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