I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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