Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
