Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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