I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
