Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
