literally had 100 drinks last night.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
