Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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