Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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