im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
