I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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