I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My vagina just clenched in fear
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
