Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
