I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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