Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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