Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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