it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i dont even know how to be here
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
