how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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