The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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