just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
