listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
