we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
