she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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