I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
