Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
